My Dog Wouldn't Do That!

Whatís the world cominí to?

I know thatís not the typical opening to one of my columns, but this one is different because Iím having a real hard time writing it. Iím in pain. Real physical pain. There are two holes in the back left knee of my sweatpants, and I also have about a one inch scratch right on the back of that same knee thatís really stinging. And guess why? A &%*@ dog bit me!

Thatís right, a dog just took a little chunk out of me. And yaíll might be wondering just how it happened, at least I hope yĎall are.

I typically walk a couple of miles each day, and I do it on the roads that wind through our subdivision. Itís a pretty hilly walk, you get a nice view of some great houses, and I typically enjoy it.

Today, I was out walking and was working my way through one of our side streets. Iíd just walked past this one house with an open garage, and when I did, I heard some barking. Didnít pay much attention to it at first, but that changed when it became obvious that the barking was getting closer and closer to me. I turned, and found myself staring straight into the eyes of a chocolate brown lab.

This lab was a good sized dog, and he was growling like he meant business. I figured that the best thing to do was to just slowly walk away, which is exactly what I tried to do. I took a couple of steps, and then felt something nip up against the back of my left knee. When I turned around, the dog jumped back, tensed, and I thought it was gonna try and bite me again. Note that I said try and bite me again. Iím not ashamed to admit that that I was going to kick the living hell out of him had he gone for a second helping. Fortunately, he backed off and I got out of there as quickly as I could.

Know what cheeses me off the most about this whole situation? There are leash laws in our community, and those laws are in place for a reason. Suppose this dog had been bigger and had inflicted more damage? Suppose heíd charged out into the road after a ball and had gotten struck by a car? Suppose heíd bitten a small child? Thatís why leash laws are on the books in the first place.

All that being said, let me be fair to this bloodthirsty pooch - he was not the only dog who was running around loose and unsupervised today. And Iíll bet my Elvis CDs that if you asked any of these dogsí owners why they didnít have them secured, theyíd tell you one of the following:

1. My dog needs some freedom, we hate to chain him up in our backyard.

2. My dog is quite gentle and poses a threat to no one.

First, if a dog needs freedom, why is it being kept in a subdivision in the first place? Next, regarding the ďdog who is quite gentleĒ baloney - folks, the chocolate lab I encountered was the third one that growled and got fairly close to me during todayís walk. So donĎt spit in the water and tell me itĎs tea, because the truth is that no one likes to say that there are ugly babies, but there are lots of Ďem, and no one wants to admit that their dogs are potential menaces, but the streets are full of Ďem. And thatĎs me saying it level.

Folks, from here on out, hereís how it goes with me. I just bought a nice little container of pepper spray, and Iíll carry it with me whenever I take a walk in the future. If a dog leaves his yard and comes out into the street with me, I certainly wonít spray him/her. But if a dog leaves his yard, comes out into the street, gets real close to me and starts barking threateningly, well, he/she is going to receive a snout full of pepper spray. Thatís a promise.

In closing, for any of you animal rights activists that Iíve offended out there, donĎt whine one tiny bit to me. I still believe that human rights come first, and that means the right to walk out on a public street that my taxes pay for without being threatened by some crazed animal. And if yíall still want to protest what Iíve said here today, email me and Iíll be glad to give you a street address that yíall can go stand in front of and protest all you want...

About the Author

Edís latest book, ďRough As A Cob,ď can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. Heís also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at:, or through his web site address at:

Ed Williams